The thought of Bowser getting married always struck me as funny, and I had never written a comedy before, so when a large, blond, king-size koopa walked into my office (actually it's just a spare entry/dining room that we use to play video games in, it's the only room my desk will fit in) and told me she was Bowser's wife, FIfi, and that she wanted the true story of their marriage and children written up and published, I immediately said yes.
Bowser needed a vacation! Insulted by Princess Peach, stomped by Mario, incompetent staff, it was enough to make him spit fire. A koopa troopa ducked the fireball and ran out of the room. The Koopa King turned to the wall and smashed his fist into it, bringing a tear of pain to his eyes. He gave in to a moment of feeling totally miserable while cradling his injured fist. Then his attention turned to the door that the frightened troopa had just exited. The troopa had been bringing in the mail and it was scattered all over the floor. Bowser went over to check his mail. Bills, bills, advertisements, it was all junk mail! There wasn't a single real letter in the bunch. No one cared. Then he caught sight of an advertisement for vacation to Las Vegas. That's what he needed, a vacation! A vacation to Sin City! He could see it now. His mouth curled in a toothy grin, and an evil chuckle escaped from his belly. Gwa-ha-ha-ha!
Bowser had Kammy buy his airline tickets (no Cheep Blimp for him!) and hotel room online so he could get the lowest prices for luxury and no hassle. He packed a few necessities in his suitcase and was off to the airport.
He stepped out of the castle expecting a plush limousine, but all he saw was a rusty old taxi cab.
Kammy! he roared. Where's my limo?!
Sorry, your Koopaness, said Kammy flying around on her broom. He was the only one who would come out here to pick you up, and even then it was only if we insured his cab. I'm sure that once you get to the airport things will be much better.
It had better be! growled Bowser as he squeezed himself into the small back seat. The whole back end of the cab suddenly dropped dangerously close to the pavement. He slammed the cab door behind him and it popped off it's hinges and fell with a clang into the street. Kammy tried to put the door back in it's place but it fell off again squashing her into the ground.
Your Loftiness, gasped the witch, Please... help... me!
Forget that stupid door! growled Bowser. Just get me to the airport!
The taxi puffed and clattered off to the airport drowning out the sound of Kammy's voice.
Your Mightiness, help!
The rattle trap taxi pulled up to the airport curb a little later than Bowser would have liked. He would have to rush to get to his flight on time. He tried to get out of the back seat and found he was stuck! He heaved and shoved, but he couldn't get out! Grrrrrrrrrr! He didn't have time for this! Bowser ripped off the top of the cab and stepped out. He tossed the cab top into the street (causing a 50 car pile up), grabbed his suitcase, and rushed into the airport. He slapped his credit card into the machine and, after a few false starts, got his e-ticket. Then he dashed off to the gate knocking over two business men and a little old lady in the process. When he got to the gate he was stopped in front of a long line.
I need to see some identification please, said the official looking person standing at the entrance to the line.
I'm Bowser, the Koopa King! said Bowser. What do I need identification for?
You can't get through unless I see it! said the official.
Bowser's mouth dropped open for a moment. Will this do? he finally said, holding out his credit card. It's the only thing I've got.
Well, said the official, it's not a driver's license, but it is an official document, and it does have your picture... I guess I'll let you pass. Put your carry on luggage on the conveyer belt. Take off your shoes, and any items containing metal, and place them in a bin on the conveyer belt and step into the metal detector. Hand your ticket and identification to the officer on the other side and do what he says.
Surprisingly Bowser complied with the official's demands without even thinking. He put his battered suitcase on the conveyer belt along with his wallet, watch, and spike covered collar, wrist and arm bands. He wondered for a moment if it was ok if he didn't have any shoes, then he was through the metal detector waiting for the uniformed officer to tell him what to do. The man was looking at him suspiciously. Bowser began to sweat. The man looked at him, his ID, his luggage, and back at him again.
Sir, the man said, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me, and bring your things with you.
Come with me.
Bowser picked up his things and followed the officer to a little room where another officer took his things and started rummaging through them. The first officer began asking him questions about where he was going, where he had been, and who he had been with. Then the officer left the room with his ticket and credit card while the other stood in front of the door with a stern look on his face. Bowser sat there and twiddled his thumbs, thinking thoughts like arrested, in jail, and having to make bail.
An hour later the officer came back. He handed Bowser his ticket and credit card. Gather up your things, the officer said. You're free to go. sorry for the inconvenience, sir, but security of this airport is our first priority.
Bowser left the room as quickly as he could, without making the officers even more suspicious, and rush to the gate.
His plane had left over 30 minutes ago! He went to the desk and tried to explain his problem to the lady behind it, but she just smiled with a pasted on smile and kept repeating that his ticket was non-refundable. If he wanted a ticket for another flight he would have to go back to the main entrance and buy a new ticket. Bowser gave up trying to talk to her. If there weren't so many armed men in uniform around he would have been tempted to generally flame and smash things. Curse airport security! If he ruled the world things would be different! Instead he walked over to the nearest pay phone, swiped his credit card, and dialed the number of his castle.
Hello, said the troopa on the other end, You have reached the home of his Eminence, Bowser, the Koopa King. How may I help you?
Get Kammy on the phone, now! Bowser bellowed.
K-kammy's f-flat... I m-mean indisposed, your E-eminence, stammered the troopa. C-can I h-help you?
Tell Kammy I'll “dispose” of her if she doesn't get the Koopa Copter to the airport in 5 minutes! Bowser slammed down the receiver and made his way out of the airport.
Sure enough, Kammy came on time, bruised and bandaged, with the Koopa Copter. What's wrong, your Evilness, did you miss the plane?
No, I like riding to Vegas in the Koopa Copter. Of course I missed the plane, you dolt! yelled the Koopa King. The rest of this vacation had better be good, or you're out of a job!
Of course, your Immenseness. The hotel is first rate! You should have no trouble once you get there.
I'd better not! grumbled Bowser as he climbed into the copter and took off.
Now this is more like it! said Bowser, inspecting his deluxe suite in the hotel: a king size bed! wide screen TV with a complete video game set up! mini refrigerator full of snacks! and a jacuzzi! Bowser yawned. It had been a trying day, maybe he should take a little nap before going out on the town. He flopped down on the king sized bed. There was a squelching pop as streams of water squirted out around him.
Gah! A WATER bed! shrieked the Koopa King as he struggled to free his back spikes from the wet rubbery mattress. Water dripped and oozed all over the floor. Picking up the phone on the night stand he dialed management and growled into the receiver, There's a problem with the bed here! I want it fixed right away.
Soon there was a knock on the door and the manager entered. What seems to be the problem?
Do I look like a water bed person? Bowser grumbled.
The manager raised an eyebrow as he looked the Koopa King up and down and eyed the watery mess. Then he put on his best smile and smoothest voice. We'll take care of this immediately, sir, he said. We take pride in accommodating the special needs of our guests. Here, he said, handing Bowser a voucher for chips, take this down to the casino, with our compliments, and while you enjoy yourself we'll fix things up here.
Bowser took the voucher and chuckled, Sure thing, Jeeves, just make sure the new bed is extra big and extra comfortable! as he headed out the door and down to the casino.
As he entered the casino his senses were assaulted by a horrible cacophony of arcade-like dinging and blooping, and heavy clouds of cigarette smoke. Ahhhhh! he said rubbing his clawed hands together with glee, just like an afternoon in the lowest dungeon torturing prisoners, if I ever got any.
A beautiful dark haired woman dressed in the skimpy outfit of a casino worker came up to him. May I help you, sir, she said.
Sure, beautiful, he said handing her the voucher, just get me a big pile of chips! I'm feeling lucky!
Yes, sir, she said taking the voucher. She walked over to an area that looked more than anything like a jail cell and handed the voucher to the man behind the bars. The customer says he wants a large amount of chips.
The man behind the bars checked a computer screen. Bowser Koopa, he said. It says here that he signed the statement on line giving us permission to charge his account directly. He can have as many chips as he wants! The man got out a bucket and placed stacks of chips imprinted with the casino's name inside it. Here's his free chips, and the extra chips he wanted. said the man handing the bucket to the woman. She walked over to Bowser and handed him the bucket of chips. Here are the chips you wanted, sir. If you want anything else, just ask, she said. then she walked away to help another customer.
Bowser looked around. What should he do first? Cards had a tendency to fall out of his hands, and he wasn't too sure about the one armed bandits (he'd have to have coins to play the slots anyway), so that left dice, roulette, and some game he didn't understand involving numbers. Roulette looked the easiest. He'd try that first. He walked over to the table and plunked a handful of chips down on a number. People noticeably backed away from him and even left the table completely as he approached. Many of those that remained seemed very uncomfortable with his presence. We have a winner, announced the guy in charge of the roulette wheel. Bowser grinned as his little pile of chips grew. Let it ride! he said.
The next spin of the wheel eliminated the little pile altogether. Bowser plunked another handful on another number. He lost that one as well, but the third handful won. Having learned from his first win he put some of the winnings back in the bucket before placing his next bet. Sometimes he won. Sometimes he lost. Each time he won he put some back in the bucket, but it just got emptier and emptier. When his bucket was completely empty one of the casino girls took it and refilled it so he could continue gambling. When the girl came back she asked him if he wanted a drink. He was a bit thirsty.
What would you like to drink, sir? she asked.
Bring me what ever's good, sweet stuff! he said.
She came back with something that looked like clear water, but smelled like a swamp. Cheap skates! thought Bowser as he downed the stuff in one big gulp. It burned like fire all the way down his throat and turned his stomach inside out. His head began to feel light and fuzzy, and his eyes glazed over.
Gimme more of shish shtuff! he said handing the glass back to the girl.
Soon Bowser lost track of how many glasses of burning swamp water he had downed or buckets of chips he had bet. His body was numb and his vision blurry. He noticed people suddenly leave the table as a woman approached. All he could see was her long blond hair and big green eyes. The rest of her seemed nicely shaped, but all fuzzy and blurred. Her face was somehow disturbingly familiar, but he couldn't think how. In fact he was having a hard time thinking at all.
Hello, big fella, the green eyed woman said in seductive tones, what's your name?
I'm Bowshur, King of duh Koopas, Scourge of duh Toadshtool Kingdom! he slurred in dramatic pose.
My, my! Aren't you a handsome devil, she said with even more interest. Let's see if I can't bring you a little luck. She took the whole bucket of chips out of his hand, and before he could say anything she up ended it on one number. As the little ball spun around and around on the wheel, the table gave a sudden lurch and the ball hopped right onto his number.
Oh look! she said, You've won! Let's go celebrate! The green eyed blond deftly scooped up the chips and then took Bowser firmly by the arm, leading him to the cashier. She was surprisingly strong.
Here, cash these, she said thrusting the chips at the cashier. She retrieved the money and stuffed it... Bowser couldn't tell where she put it. Everything was so confusing.
Afterward was a whirlwind of activity, limousine rides, clothes and jewels, food, dancing, and a long walk in the neon lights with a beautiful blond in his arms. She asked him if he wanted to marry her and, without giving it a second thought, he said yes.
Then there was a short ride to a quaint little wedding chapel where they were married by a strangely reluctant little preacher, and exchanged a big slobbery kiss. It was all like a wonderful, fuzzy, dream, thought Bowser as he sank into the big, soft, king sized bed back at the hotel. Even if he couldn't remember much of what happened that night. Then he drifted off to sleep.
In the morning he woke with a fright. At first he thought someone had put a mirror in his bed and stuck a blond wig on his head for a joke. Then, what he had taken for a reflection, opened her big green eyes and said, Hello, sweetie pie! in that familiar seductive voice. He was lucky he didn't have far to fall because he fainted then and there.
I had meant to carry the story on at this point, but I got sidetracked by one thing or another. Somehow Bowser managed to find out about this fan fic, buried under all of the other fan fics. He was quite unhappy about it and promptly brought it to my attention (you can see his attack in MAMMA_PEACH Comics). Because of this I decided not to continue writing this story, but it seemed rather odd to just leave it like this. So I decided to just quickly fill in the details.
Bowser found his funds depleted so he cut his vacation short, and, still in shock about being married, returned to his castle with his new wife. Things went more or less fine until about nine months later when Fifi suddenly disappeared. On entering a room in the lowest, and hottest, part of the castle that Fifi had appropriated for her own use, he (and Kammy) discovered a clutch of seven very large eggs with names neatly written on them in gold ink. A letter in the room explained that these were Bowser and Fifi's children. That although Fifi loved Bowser very much, she had a great aversion to raising kids, and since the first of the eggs was ready to hatch, she had decided to leave until the children were all full grown. At first I couldn't understand this behavior on her part (I love being with my children, and have thought often about raising more, even if they were not my own), but on reading part of Dr. Egad's huge book A Brief study of Koopas I found that is common for the species of King Koopa to abandon the care of their offspring to others, much like the cuckoo bird. Bowser himself was raised by Kammy. So it is much to Bowser's credit that he attempted to raise his own children. After the Koopalings grew up Fifi retuned for a time, which resulted in only one, extra large egg, and then she left again. Very few (outside of Bowser's castle staff) have ever seen Fifi, or even know of her existence, since Bowser never spoke of her to anyone.
So now you know the true story of the origin of Bowser's children. Fifi should be satisfied with this account.